Fear and Courage

I was finally able to pick up a yoke for River Rat. Being a solo canoe, the yoke isn't built into the boat; instead, it mounts on the seat rails. It's fairly easy and quick to take in and out.  So, now I'm ready for portaging and practicing the river sections where I'll be in and out of the water more than 10 times over the course of the day during the Muskoka River X. At least, technically ready.

I think I'm getting to the heart of why doing this 80 km "sprint" solo is important to me.  It's a call to action for myself. I have a friend who signs up for something, creates a training plan or study plan, follows the plan and then does that thing. It seems so easy, I think. Very straightforward. Why can't I do that? For me, the battle is in my head. If I can get out of my head and into the action, then I'm okay. But those ghosts in my head have a pretty strong grip and don't seem to want to let go.

"You're not doing it right," they say.  "You're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough. You're just a woman, just a girl."

So, I need to prove it to myself. It can be exhausting as I try to silence the voices long enough to try and discover for myself. Any difficulties or setbacks I encounter, rather than providing opportunity and challenge, can bring the voices back so loud that they are deafening and make it even more difficult to return to the task. Sometimes they have won but never without a struggle... I am on to them.

There are practical challenges for sure, like simply getting out on the water for training. Being considerably slower than tandem paddlers, it doesn't really make sense for me to go out together with them for distance training paddles when they are working on their speed. The solo paddlers I know are men who can easily keep up to the tandem boats, I don't want to slow them down or to be left too far behind. Memories of trying, and failing, to keep up to my older brothers aren't too far below the surface for me, even after all these years.

That leaves me going out on my own.  I am discouraged from paddling on my own for safety reasons, particularly the remote river sections and "big water" sections on Lake of Bays.  I do understand this in my head, and I know it is appropriate, but I feel it in my gut and it undermines my precious little confidence.

I have been out on the lake though, both on my own and in paddling clinics.  The clinics have been terrific practice. They were well attended by a great bunch of people, all with different skills and abilities. I've learned a lot so far, and have lots yet to learn.  The Coach was skilled and supportive, with words of wisdom and mantras and generous sharing of his knowledge of and appreciation for the water.  "Tall, quick, quiet." "Keep energy in the boat." Good advice that I am hoping to make my own, to replace my dark ghosts of "Not enough."

The clinic phase is over and now I need to put together the whole package - packing, paddling, portaging. It almost doesn't matter where - the river through town will do.  I won't even need a spotter for that; the river is narrow and with no hazards other than wayward power boaters or rafts of ducks.

As far as practicing in the tougher sections of the river, I've discovered that the assumptions I've made about being "not enough" to paddle with others were truly arising from my own ghosts.  I've been invited to join in on expeditions with others from the clinic, when our schedules align.  August is looking pretty good.